For the Difficult Times

I have always been the type of person, to be honest with what’s going on in my head when it comes to this blog. This is my venting ground, this is where I speak about what’s in my mind.

I think Year 5 has been a tough lesson for me so far. It’s like that analogy of ‘when life gives you lemons’. I have had so many lemons. It’s like the orchard of my world has become abundant with fresh fruit, yet none of them remotely sweet. There is only so much syrup I can add to the lemonade to make it palatable. Even then, it feels like I’m trying too hard to saccharinate something that is clearly planted on the sour end of your taste buds.

Yes, I am pushing that metaphor.

I can’t help but feel like I am going through a baptism of fire, unlike anything most of my friends are undergoing. I have a tougher supervisor each time round. Not necessarily a bad thing because they aren’t cruel (though they can be). But they work me hard and I am pushed more than most people in my batch are. Or most people that I know of, at least.

It’s not a nice feeling having to watch everyone else have a good time while you’re there actually slogging. It is sadistic for me, or vindictive at least, to want to see others suffer alongside me. I know, I know. It shouldn’t feel like ‘too much work’. But it does.

I wish I was better at this. I wish I knew more. I wish I had done a better job managing my mind in Year 1 and 2, so I had a stronger foundation. I wish I didn’t have to deal with anxiety, depression and people pleasing.

I wish. I wish. I wish.

I have great supervisors who are amazing at their job. They’re skilled, they are passionate, they are great doctors/surgeons/consultants. I just wish I knew how to deal with this better.

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Weekly Round-up #23

I moved out of my JB apartment this week. While it was not “my own place” that I paid out of my own pocket for, it was a place I grew up in. Not that same specific room because I moved up from the 12th to the 22nd floor this year.

JB was the first time I moved away from home. I never did boarding school at any point in time though I did get into some. I will never forget moving down for the first time with my brother on one of the Chinese New Year days, his car packed with my things, and crying most of the way. I cried at dinner, I cried at breakfast. I was very emotional about the whole thing.

But I grew up. It was just a time to adjust and to learn to live with people who weren’t my family. I have cooked my own meals and cooked for others. I have spoken to building management by myself. I have attempted to fix many things without the assistance of my mother.

JB was this time of figuring out my own life. I had no one to “depend on”, no one to wake me up to prevent me from oversleeping. I had to learn to want to do my own grocery shopping, and the cleaning of my own bathroom and the apartment.

I grew up a bit during the last two years of clinical school. While I may not be the most mature person my age, I have learned to treasure people better and learned how to figure out how to maintain relationships despite being so far away. I am actually surprised at how often I started speaking to my brother because we both thought the distance would drive us apart.

JB has been good to me and has taught me a lot. While I am glad to be going home for the next eight weeks, a part of me will always be grateful for my time away.

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Weekly Round-up #22

I didn’t quite have the time to do this over the weekend because I was on call on Friday AND Saturday. It’s exhausting working straight for 11 days, without a break in between. I don’t know how people do it. I like my weekends, weekends are great.

So, tomorrow is my last day in Obstetrics and Gynaecology. FINALLY. I must say that with time, I have gotten used to it. It’s the ‘used to it’ that doesn’t make the resentment go away but you’re more mentally prepared for the daily grind. Does that make any sense?

I will be following my housemate and her parents + boyfriend back to Selangor tomorrow. I’ll be moving out my stuff over the weekend. Next Monday is the start of my Surgery rotation, and I know that I am seriously lacking in anatomy knowledge. It has been over a year since I had a surgical rotation. I had really good tutors in Year 3 which in a way, made my surgery knowledge better than my medical knowledge, but honestly, I’m very rusty.

It’ll be a good challenge but yeah, nine weeks till I start my Australian rotations, eight weeks till I leave for Melbourne. Life is moving way too fast right now.

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Anyway, have a good rest of the week, lovely people! x

Weekly Round-up #21

Let’s Good Week-Bad Week this.

Good Week– my supervisor was not being around, allowing me so much freedom.

Bad Week– Monday. And part of Wednesday. Which resulted in Thursday, crying over About Time because a good cry was called for.

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But let’s not talk about crappy things because I went home for the weekend and that was good. I have about 10 days left in JB before I go back and I am so thankful for that. What I’m not thankful for is that ALL 10 days are working days because I’m on call for the whole of this weekend. So yes, no days off.

but 10 days! 10 DAYS!

oh wait, it’s 9 days because I’m leaving on Wednesday.

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Segway into something I want to talk about that came up towards the end of last week.

A friend of mine, not from medical school, brought up a concern about medical staff being apathetic towards their patients because of the nature of our work. My knee-jerk reaction was to get miffed.

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(the usage of that gif is not in context of the show at all but whatever)

No, I did not bite my friend’s head off. I think the statement was coming from a place of concern because my blabber mouth and I were running on and on about the trauma cases we see in ED in my last rotation, and how we preferred bloody things as compared to the ‘run of the mill’ cases of heart attacks and fainting spells. Taken out of context (much like that gif of Ann and Leslie fighting), we can seem like the worst people on the planet.

And I guess at some level, we’re all kinda nuts. But the medical profession, or vocation rather, regardless of whether you’re a nurse, a doctor, a radiology technician, or a ward assistant, is meeting people at their lowest point, or at their most vulnerable. That means you get people who are worried, overly emotional, angry, crying, stubborn, and everything in between.

Apathy is something that can develop in a high-pressured environment. You become irritated because you don’t have time for yourself or your family, or you’re being shouted at by a superior. I watch interns being screamed at on the regular, I see nurses being scolded, and sometimes medical students get caught in the crossfire too. It’s not a pretty environment to be in, a lot of the time.

I get where the apathy would come from. Sometimes you see too much, or you’ve been too involved at some point and gotten burned as a result of it, that you close yourself off. Sometimes it’s easier to not ‘care’ as much. While I may say us medical students get more excited when something bloody comes in, I don’t mean we don’t care about the people who come in with non-visible injuries. I won’t lie, blood is very attractive because it’s what you always see on TV. But that doesn’t mean we don’t respect and show the same amount of care for the person who collapsed due to a stroke.

Out of all the people in a hospital, I think medical students have the most time to chat with patients and to reach out a hand of comfort. It’s not that everyone else doesn’t want to, it’s because they have zero time. Most people in a hospital are not apathetic, they’re just really stressed up and tired. It’s unfortunate because most of them truly give a damn about the people they’re treating.

That came off as a bit of a rant, didn’t it?

SO. ANYWAY, have a good week ahead! xx

*Edit: This is such a good talk because I just got back together with my ex, Mr Procrastination

 

DON’T PANIC

I hate big life news.

Big life news is that weird kind of news that just shakes you to your core. I like little news, news that you can still work around. Big life news just sits in your driveway and refuses to budge, like the tractor coming to bulldoze over your home to build a bypass.

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Ugh.

It’s times like this when you just stop and think about the blessings you do have in your life, and to be grateful. And to remember to support people who may be falling apart. It’s a time to remain level headed, to allow yourself to feel ‘all the emotions’ but find a way to keep it together.

Adjusting to ‘big life news’ is never fun, and after a while, I’m sure it’ll all be okay. Right now the tremors of the metaphorical earthquake, the aftershock, it still reverberates and we’re on unsteady feet. But it will be okay.  I have faith, and that shall sustain me.

 

 

Weekly Round-up #20

Let’s do a Good Week-Bad Week.

Bad Week- Last Sunday was basically a 😕  day because I had clinic with the Head of Department, and, unfortunately, we (the girl I am partnered with and I) were late- not really our fault because for the past few weeks, he has shown up at 11 something, and we were there at 10.30, but somehow he decided to start extra early. So, yes, we were late and it wasn’t great.

So he makes us come again Tuesday.

And Tuesday, we were there at 9.30am. And guess what time he shows up? 12. And he only sees patients at 1. And honestly, it wasn’t a great day because for certain reasons aka lots of other people going in and out and in and out of the room, that the total time spent in his office was 40 minutes, and I spoke to him less than a minute.

not great. I had to get a group mate to move our bedside teaching from 2pm to 3pm because I was stuck in the clinic. And yes, no lunch. I actually tweeted this:

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So. yup. but moving on!

Good Week- This is kinda pathetic but my supervisor is away for the next week so that news is just the best thing. I’m awful. I know. I know.

Anyway, have a good week ahead people!

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Weekly Round-up #19

Hello, dearies!

The past week has been pretty regular. And the past two working days going into this week have also been ‘regular’. But here are two fun things I would like to talk about:

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That is my new diary. I know, I talked about writing in a physical journal last year but unfortunately, that did not last. But this is one that has so far. It’s only been about 5 days, but putting pen to paper has been very cathartic. There has been a lot on my mind lately, and not everything should be published online because the words aren’t always kind, be it to myself or to others. There is a lot of resentment of myself, resentment of others and general annoyance with the world.

Yes, there was the usage of not so kind language. And I needed to write it out. Sometimes you have so many things running about in your mind that having a better way to curate it is better than keyboard smashing.

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On Wednesday, I got this Funko Pop! figurine of WONDER WOMAN, the edition from the Batman Vs Superman movie. While they sell Funko Pop! figurines pretty regularly at the ticket counter, this is the first time I was ever compelled to buy one. It’s Wonder Woman, female superhero extraordinaire! And Gal Gadot was a good Wonder Woman. I literally watched that movie just for her, and I am so glad I did. SO. MANY. CAMEOS! I was that person who went ‘NO FREAKING WAY!!’ when I saw some of them. If I were to say more, I would spoil it, but yeah, it was much better than I expected, and I’m super pumped for the Wonder Woman movie next year.

I have four more weeks in Obs and Gynae.

okay.