I have always been the type of person, to be honest with what’s going on in my head when it comes to this blog. This is my venting ground, this is where I speak about what’s in my mind.
I think Year 5 has been a tough lesson for me so far. It’s like that analogy of ‘when life gives you lemons’. I have had so many lemons. It’s like the orchard of my world has become abundant with fresh fruit, yet none of them remotely sweet. There is only so much syrup I can add to the lemonade to make it palatable. Even then, it feels like I’m trying too hard to saccharinate something that is clearly planted on the sour end of your taste buds.
Yes, I am pushing that metaphor.
I can’t help but feel like I am going through a baptism of fire, unlike anything most of my friends are undergoing. I have a tougher supervisor each time round. Not necessarily a bad thing because they aren’t cruel (though they can be). But they work me hard and I am pushed more than most people in my batch are. Or most people that I know of, at least.
It’s not a nice feeling having to watch everyone else have a good time while you’re there actually slogging. It is sadistic for me, or vindictive at least, to want to see others suffer alongside me. I know, I know. It shouldn’t feel like ‘too much work’. But it does.
I wish I was better at this. I wish I knew more. I wish I had done a better job managing my mind in Year 1 and 2, so I had a stronger foundation. I wish I didn’t have to deal with anxiety, depression and people pleasing.
I wish. I wish. I wish.
I have great supervisors who are amazing at their job. They’re skilled, they are passionate, they are great doctors/surgeons/consultants. I just wish I knew how to deal with this better.