In which anxieties take a nasty turn

otherwise known as, I hope the usage of Zooey Deschanel’s face makes this less serious than it is

I am an extremist.

That word never has a good connotation. Be it religious or political extremism, it is hardly ever a good thing. If you’re a ‘positive extremist’ you are given a different title: a philanthropist, a humanitarian. The word ‘extremist’ drags the baggage of negativity along with it.

While my extremism will not put me on the cover of a newspaper (or rather make me a Twitter Trending Topic), it always leaves me feeling awful. My extremism is in relation to my emotions. I wish I could keep a lid on things but much like a filled kettle placed over a heat source for a long time, things bubble over and I scream.

And that can be literal screaming or a metaphorical one.

I have screamed at someone because of how angry I got- resentment had built up over a period of time and the infamous straw that broke the camel’s back whacked mine, but instead of keeling over, I shouted and swore like I have never done before.

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Is that good thing? No. Not at all.

Metaphorical screaming, in the sense of things bubbling over due to emotional unrest would be a day like today when body issues just smacked me on the head. I know, this is a popular tune you’ve heard year in and year out, never fading from the charts. A ‘current issue’ that has yet to be resolved despite multiple celebrities speaking up about ‘body acceptance’. While Ashley Graham’s confidence in the face of all her ‘haters’ is an inspiration, it doesn’t dim the hater that is within yourself.

I judge myself by the number I see on the scale. I judge myself for not doing the work it takes to get to a number I’m happy with. And I don’t know if it is truly wrong to think that way. As someone who has spent five years dedicating her life to being part of the medical field, I know for a fact that I am unhealthy, that the ratio of my hips to my waist means that I am more likely to die of a heart attack or have cardiovascular complications in the future.

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So when events in the past 24 hours made me look at myself again and feel ridiculously emotional, I wanted to revert to an old habit, another extreme. But I’m better at not doing that, so I didn’t. Instead I threw myself into cleaning because that’s the one positive I could come up with.

It is difficult when you look at yourself and want to change so much. I know part of it a mental component, that satisfaction with what you see reflected back at you is something everyone struggles with, but there are also facts, irrefutable facts that make me cringe.

Being a houseman/intern will be challenging two years. I would need to figure out how balance the physical, the emotional and the external adversities that will be coming my way.

While I understand that there are things outside my circle of control, there are also things I can get a grip on. I just hope I can.

crazy

22

sidenote: the article from JAMA

I am going to assume you watched the video first.

So yes, I took a few days off from most of the Internet. I don’t know how much good it has done me, but it has done some good.


Making the video in itself was therapeutic. It has been a very long time since I picked up colouring pencils and actually used them. Trying to balance my camera to get a flat-lay angle was a big achievement for me. I think I tried to shoot that about five times in total. I can still see what I’d like to change about it but I have other things to do.


But making that felt good though the subject matter  was heavy. The final cut came with an endorphin release that was really needed. I am actually proud of that.

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About what I mentioned in the video: I have enrolled in the UC Berkeley online course called The Science of Happiness, which supposedly acts as a form of therapy as well as an education in psychology, which has always been a key interest of mine. I don’t know how kooky it’ll be, but hey, maybe actually learning about being happy will help.

I don’t think anything can truly replace therapy but this is as close to it as I can get for now.

22 days till the end of the year. That’s bonkers isn’t it?

 

 

Shut up! Dance it out!

As any regular reader of this blog knows by now, I fall into my dark hole of despair fairly often. And yesterday was no exception. I spent a good 5 hours or so just lying in bed being unproductive and wasting a whole lot of time.

Later in the evening, I was guilted into doing the laundry and I decided to either binge watch YouTube videos or watch a movie while doing it. Neither worked out. The videos were ones that I have watched before and attempting to watch WILD when you’re in a crap state of mind was not a good idea.

So, I took advice from the Twisted Sisters and danced it off.

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Unfortunately for my neighbours, a Me Party consists of me singing along really loudly. Clearly, I have very kind ones because there has yet to be a noise complaint.

Here is what got me out of my funk, or at least shifted me nearer to the entrance of this pit:

  1. MmmBop by Hanson
  2. Hide Away by Daya
  3. Goodbye by Who Is Fancy (there are alternate videos for this that are just as good 1 and 2)
  4. Boys Like You by Who Is Fancy feat. Meghan Trainor and Ariana Grande
  5. In The Heights by the Original Broadway Cast of In the Heights
  6. Two Step by Laura Bell Bundy
  7. Called Out In The Dark by Snow Patrol
  8. The Story by Brandi Carlile
  9. Anything Goes by Florida Georgia Line
  10. Midnight Train to Georgia by Gladys Knight and the Pips (alternatively, there’s this great video that goes with it too)
  11. Cooler Than Me by Mike Posner
  12. Feelin’ Kinda Naughty by Rachel Bloom from ‘Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’
  13. Just Another Girl by The Killers

And in case you want to listen to any of them, all the songs have been linked to their respective YouTube videos.

Does doing that help anyone else? Try it out. Sing and move in the privacy of your own home and just let it all out. Who cares if anyone is watching?

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