Spoiler Alert

Here’s something new to recognise:

Much to my detriment, I have always been the type of person who feels a bit too much. It is a gift and a curse to empathise too quickly, to feel emotions too deeply, to wear your heart on your sleeve.

It borders on ridiculous when I feel too much about fictional characters that are.. fictional. They are not real but to my mind’s eye, they’re flesh and blood.

All my favourite characters die.

Yes, that is an overstatement. But a good many die and I feel way too much over them. I cannot separate fact from fiction when I immerse myself in an art-form, be it books or stage or TV or movies. I feel for the characters a bit too much. It’s unhealthy, that’s for sure.

The Fox and the Hound was particularly scarring. Matthew Cuthbert dying on paper made me cry for a good hour. I actually use his death as a ‘tool for crying’ when I needed to be devastated on stage- which works because I do get teary. Dobby died. Fred Weasley died. Tibby Rollins died. Alternate Timeline Lincoln Lee died. Allison Argent died. Michael Cordero died.

And it’s not like I cry only when I watch the show. There’s a mourning period I go through, much like if I lost someone I loved in real life. I take it to the extreme.

While being part of a fandom on Tumblr does exacerbate this ‘condition’, it’s something I’ve ‘gone through’ even before I joined the damn site.

I hate that I cry so much over people who are not real. If I should psychoanalyse myself, maybe it does stem from something a vocal teacher told my mom once- that I could not sing with emotion because I was too young and I did not know how to feel the same sadness, or longing, or joy that the song required. So, maybe, to make up for my own lack of experience, I live vicariously through characters that are not real. I make their pain, the joy, their anger.. I make them all mine.

And that is very screwed up.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. Why can’t I just have ‘regular’ emotional ranges and not feel as much?

shh

A few days ago I wrote a rant here and I was very tempted to post it. I was very bored that evening being stuck in JB and I went through my December posts from last year, so emotions were running high because I was taking a trip down memory lane about the ‘good times’.

I still have that post in my drafts. But I highly doubt I will ever click PUBLISH.

I wrote it in a vulnerable state of mind. While it’s not harsh, it’s just very sad, very mopey.  And we all know I am very good at writing things like that, and it looks very much like self-pity. And you’d all be thinking:

parks-and-recreation-leslie-knope

I am TRYING to not be mopey. It is a 2016 resolution to not be so bitter, but I revert to that automatic setting. But at least, I have the self-awareness now to not broadcast that as much.

Unlike this post.. which is, in its own way, a bitter one. Hrm. Maybe I went about this all wrong.

The point I am trying to make is that sometimes you need to write something or do something to get an emotion out of your system, but you don’t always have to do it very publically. Based on previous experience, most of it can come back to bite you.

Unless you are truly sure that posting something volatile will not be something you’d cringe at in years to come, don’t do it. Just get it out on a piece of paper, or in the sand, or clean. ANYTHING else but exploding on social media or any public forum.

I don’t even know what this post is supposed to be about anymore.