the mind is willing, but the flesh is weak

Breathe in. Breathe out.

I did a stupid thing today. It’s not one of the ‘regular’ stupid things that I do (AKA procrastinate, though naturally, that’s been part of this whole process, too). I’m going to be honest and admit to binging, only to spend quite a bit of time kneeling on my bathroom floor throwing everything up.

Yes, I know that behaviour is stupid and was truly a waste of food that good feed hungry families, and money that could have gone to my savings. I acknowledge the stupidity. I don’t quite get why I did it either. It was one of those situations where I knew it wasn’t correct to do what I did but I did it anyway, because my mind made it seem like it was ‘alright’. I actually thought for a moment there that I wouldn’t end up face down in porcelain. I should know better at this point.

Has last week been particularly stressful? Not really. It has been pretty ‘average’. The stress levels have not kicked into high gear yet, though I have a mock OSCE next Wednesday. Sure, there are days (AKA Thursdays with that one tutor) where I can feel my blood pressure rise due to the psychological stress but on other days, it’s been okay.

Then why the stupid behaviour?

Maybe, subconsciously, I wanted to throw up everything I had eaten at that point in time. Maybe subconsciously, I craved a level of control. But control over what, if not my own actions? Is my balance of id and ego so tilted that my mind is rebelling against itself? How I long for a time to stop and go to a quiet place to think!

I have reverted to doing the ‘lie in bed and do nothing’ scenario that I am far too familiar with for the past few weeks. It’s a great way to pass time, when you find that you are incapable of doing anything except lying in one spot.

I crave a journey within. I want those few hours, sitting away from everything, just to feel the breeze, to read a book, to ‘people watch’. I crave a space away from my room. I want to go somewhere else and just ‘be’. That sounds like the most obnoxious statement to have ever been said, does it not?

I cannot quite put my finger on what exactly it is that I need but I know that a part of me feels ‘dead’ because of it. What I would give for a retreat right now.