please give me some direction

Tonight I am an anxious person.

I had vague outlines of a plan for a video for this month: I had clips I wanted to throw together, a text I was going to record. But.. bigger things have happened and I am a ball of nerves.

I found out this evening that internship applications open up on Thursday at 12pm. It’s a crazy first-come-first-serve basis and you have to be quick.

This means I am working in approximately a month’s time. ONE MONTH.

ONE MONTH.

I am beyond terrified.

There is so much I have to get done once my application is in. I have to find a place to live, I have to file paperwork, I have to get a health check-up. I have to figure out a bunch of things in a short period of time. I am scared.

What is worse is that I had a plan and now the plan has been shaken. Not everyone got the green light to apply on Thursday. A good friend of mine, part of my ‘three musketeers’ didn’t get through. He has to wait for the next round. And that throws everything off. He’s thrown by this and so ar we. The three of us were going to get through this together but now…

I had a plan. I love my plans. I hate when my plans get tossed because that means I have no anchor. I don’t like that feeling at all.

It’s a messy system and I cannot get into it here. But it’s a terrible mess of a time.

I’m scared. I’m kinda excited.

But I’m mostly scared.

My heart is galloping like a racehorse whose jockey that sees the finish line. As though reaching it would slow things down.

It doesn’t. That finish line keeps getting pushed and pushed. And while that is the beauty of this career, it’s also what causes my voice to tremble, my knees to shake. I

That finish line keeps getting pushed and pushed. And while that is the beauty of this career, it’s also what causes my voice to tremble, my knees to give way.

I am a shaken bottle of soda with words bubbling out of me though not necessarily in an order to form a coherent sentence.

I am scared. I am not okay.

But I have to be.

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28

I am trying to get into the habit of deleting photos off my phone after I upload them here because it’s occupying unnecessary space. I should figure out a better way to do it on my laptop because I have run out of space. hah.

Anyway, back to what I did last weekend :), namely MATILDA!

It was amazing. Visually, the most beautiful one I’ve seen in person. The choreography was so well done! I do not want to spoil anything for any of you who want to see it, but there’s this bit in School Song that’s so, so genius. And of course, the usage of the swings in When I Grow Up is a sight to behold when you’re seated 5 rows from the stage because everyone literally swings right above your head.

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This paper hit me right in the face (there’s this bit in one of the finale where paper aeroplanes get thrown into the crowd) and left a 1cm nick on my nose. Totally worth it because now I have a souvenir, an actual prop!

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I highly enjoyed it! If you get the opportunity, you absolutely must see it.

On Sunday I went to the Royal Melbourne Show which was .. alright. I guess I mostly went because I didn’t have anything else to do and I was mildly curious. It was more of a fun fair with a bunch of rides, some ‘interact with live animals’ stuff and food. I guess the highlight would be seeing the Master Chef Australia set. I am not a huge fan of the show like my friend is but I have seen most of it’s seasons.

I did not expect it to be as small as it is. I guess camera angles were well chosen for it to appear massive on TV.

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I have fallen sick for the second time in 3 weeks which is why I did not write up something sooner. I clearly have the worst immune system in the whole world. I guess it doesn’t help that my new ward just makes me miserable because the team isn’t as friendly as the one I was used to. I’m just counting down the days. 28 to go. I just have to barrel through. 😣

Have a great rest of this week and a nice weekend ❤️

38

That has to be my favourite number so far. Heck, each time that number goes down, it’s my favourite. 38 days till I fly home. Somehow that number makes me so pleased. Just five and a half weeks left to go. I am very excited to leave.

A bunch of good friends left this week. We had a farewell dinner on Wednesday night and then a lunch on Thursday. I shall miss a good number of them because they’re the ones I usually hang out with. Sure, there are quite a good number of people left in Australia just waiting for the finish line too, and I will be spending time with them in the weeks to come.

My friend’s boyfriend was around till Saturday, so we did a bit of sight seeing and stopping by all her favourite spots including Adriano Zumbo’s shop in South Yarra and this other fancy dessert shop called Burch and Purchese (B&P). It was quite a rainy Thursday when we went there which was pretty annoying, but spending time with friends for two consecutive days (Thursday and Friday) was an absolute thrill.

 

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I have two things to look forward to this week: And Then There Were Not As Many on Friday, which is a parody of sorts of the famous Agatha Christie book And Then There Were None, and Matilda on Saturday.

I guess more importantly, I am starting my final rotation of Year 5, and final rotation of medical school. I’m moving two floors up to another ward but in the same hospital. I am apprehensive as usual. I hope the new team is nice and that I get along with them well. I’m so used to being with the previous team on the first floor, and having to meet brand new people and try to mash well with them gives me anxiety. Ugh. Oh well. Just 38 days and I am done with this.

I hope you all have a great weekend and a great week ahead. x

 

7

45

I received news this morning that one of the priests I have known for the past 12 years had passed away yesterday evening. It was a shock, it is too soon because he is so young. This man was instrumental in helping my brother through a really hard time in his life and is someone I consider a good family friend. I am truly saddened by the news. Only 56 and to die from a heart attack. :/ God rest the soul of Father Philip Muthu.

In other news, I was welcomed back with open arms on Friday. It was such an ego boost to overhear the resident say “I’m so glad Grace is back.” Sure, it was only because having me around means he can make me do a good amount of work on his behalf, but it was nice. I have three days more in that ward before I move up to the ‘General Medicine’ ward, which is basically the same thing.

but yes, 45 days more!

I went to the AstroLight Festival at the Spotswood ScienceWorks Museum yesterday with a friend. It was actually pretty fun. We managed to see Saturn and Mars through a few telescopes, alone with the surface of the moon. I have always found space to be quite thrilling so having the opportunity to actually see other planets, to see the surface of the moon so clearly.. that was such a great moment.

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I’m at the State Library of Victoria right now because I truly need to get work done and my room is far from conducive for any of this. I need to look up why choosing warfarin and aspirin is good for this case study I’m discussing tomorrow with my team.

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45 days more guys. I can survive that, right? Besides, I’m watching MATHILDA in 2 weeks 🙂

48

Yeah, this is late, but I kinda have an explanation.

So, I fell sick after my pretty fun weekend last week. I went on a train ride aka Puffing Billy with a few friends and up Mount Dandenong for hot chocolate, scones and to catch the sunset. While that Saturday did not start the way I thought it was going to (because I took the wrong bus- Bus Replacing Trains are THE WORST), it ended quite well.

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Sunday was pretty much a solo day that didn’t start out well either. I missed mass because I missed the train and so I had a nice breakfast, and tried to go to the Roald Dahl Day thing at Federation Square. Aside from getting a tiny cupcake, there really wasn’t much else to do because the activities were mainly targeted at children, for good reason. Also, I was starting to feel really sick, so I took a long nap in the afternoon.

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I woke up on Monday feeling awful, so I didn’t go to work. Today is Day 4/5 of my illness, and I’m thankfully much, much better. I’ll be heading back to the ward tomorrow- I’m pretty sure my cough and flu will be 90% gone by then. I don’t want to infect any of the patients and I was sent home on Wednesday when I did try to go to work.

48 days to go before my flight. I’m pretty glad we’re less than 50 right now. Just 7 weeks or so to go, and I’ll be home. Phew.

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SO this is how I felt through most of last week:

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  1. Modules are due in the next two weeks
  2. My consultant aka supervisor who signs my form seems to not like me
  3. I was ditched for the second weekend in a row by the one girl I was properly friends with. See, this is why having a #squad is useful. T-Swift isn’t wrong. crap.
  4. I almost forgot that I had to prepare for a mini 2 minute presentation today and thankfully woke up in a fright at 5am to do it. Yeah. I’m going mad.

66 DAYS. I feel ungrateful etc etc for not being ‘psyched’ to be here.

Oh well. I need to try to not feel as I do right now. I am trying, I really am. I’m almost halfway through my time here.

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24

I am flying home in 73 days. I changed my flight to 1.10am on a Thursday because we’re allowed to leave after the Wednesday of the last week. Yes 1.10am is a little absurd but the earlier I leave the better. hah.

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It’s my birthday tomorrow, and I turn 24. Whoopdeedoo. I don’t have any plans for tomorrow. I have this workshop in the evening and I’m hoping to weasel a dinner with the people I know who’ll be attending it, too. I don’t mean I want them to pay for my dinner, it would just be nice to spend my birthday with someone, and not alone. I’ve had most of this weekend being alone, and I assure you, I have done some stupid-emotional-wreck crying on buses and trains. It’s so stupid that spending my birthday without my family makes me this upset.

This week was my first in geriatrics and I actually like it. The patients are often amusing, as terrible as that sounds. The resident and registrar I’m with are quite nice, though I think the consultant has not warmed up to me at all. Win some, lose some, haha.

I went to the Melbourne Zoo by myself on Saturday and that wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I took loads of photos and stared as long as I wanted to at as many animals as I saw fit. I made it a point to make sure I walked through the whole place.

I watched Avenue Q with a friend and honestly, it was more amusing and a better time than Funny Girl. I feel kinda bad saying that, but I liked it better. I guess it did resonate better with me because it was more about ‘failing to adult’, and ended without much resolution about that main plot thread. I liked it a lot.

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Anyway, I’m missing my best friends more than ever tonight. As usual, being here does nothing else but remind me of those I love most in the world and how much I miss them. Here’s to family, and friends that are family, to those who love us despite how shitty human beings we can be- you are the best thing in my life. ❤️

1

Happy Birthday to me!

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