please give me some direction

Tonight I am an anxious person.

I had vague outlines of a plan for a video for this month: I had clips I wanted to throw together, a text I was going to record. But.. bigger things have happened and I am a ball of nerves.

I found out this evening that internship applications open up on Thursday at 12pm. It’s a crazy first-come-first-serve basis and you have to be quick.

This means I am working in approximately a month’s time. ONE MONTH.

ONE MONTH.

I am beyond terrified.

There is so much I have to get done once my application is in. I have to find a place to live, I have to file paperwork, I have to get a health check-up. I have to figure out a bunch of things in a short period of time. I am scared.

What is worse is that I had a plan and now the plan has been shaken. Not everyone got the green light to apply on Thursday. A good friend of mine, part of my ‘three musketeers’ didn’t get through. He has to wait for the next round. And that throws everything off. He’s thrown by this and so ar we. The three of us were going to get through this together but now…

I had a plan. I love my plans. I hate when my plans get tossed because that means I have no anchor. I don’t like that feeling at all.

It’s a messy system and I cannot get into it here. But it’s a terrible mess of a time.

I’m scared. I’m kinda excited.

But I’m mostly scared.

My heart is galloping like a racehorse whose jockey that sees the finish line. As though reaching it would slow things down.

It doesn’t. That finish line keeps getting pushed and pushed. And while that is the beauty of this career, it’s also what causes my voice to tremble, my knees to shake. I

That finish line keeps getting pushed and pushed. And while that is the beauty of this career, it’s also what causes my voice to tremble, my knees to give way.

I am a shaken bottle of soda with words bubbling out of me though not necessarily in an order to form a coherent sentence.

I am scared. I am not okay.

But I have to be.

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2 thoughts on “please give me some direction

  1. I think the kind of anxiety you have is something everybody has went through or will go through at a point in their lives! The #firstjobexcitedbutnervous feels. And the nature of your career path only escalates that. While I won’t tell you to calm down, I want to let you know that I will virtually hold your hand throughout this whole process so all the best and keep us updated!!

    Liked by 1 person

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