past patiently waiting

Sometimes I think that there will be a day that I wake up and I don’t have to deal with what’s in my brain.


I always think that there would be a cap on mental health, on how long it would affect me. I keep wishing it was like the flu and that I would get over it. But it is not and that is the most frustrating part.

And there are good days and bad days, more often bad than good when I am unoccupied.

I dislike talking about this because this whole year has been awful for that reason. I can go back to every other post and spot where I talk about being miserable . It is tiring to feel this way and it is tiring to know that writing things out here is simply passing on the negativity to someone else.

There is a sense of my generation being coddled and giving ‘too much weight’ to mental issues and emotional distress. When my mother points out that it is ridiculous that students were allowed to skip an exam because they disagreed with the results of the presidential election, I do not disagree.

Are we too concerned with taking ‘mental health days’ that it becomes an excuse for us not to function on a daily basis? Is there a point when ‘self care’ becomes ‘self indulgence’? How do you know when you reach that point? Are we simply validating narcissism by giving in to our emotions more often than not?

When our elders have taken ‘worse beatings’ both physically and mentally, and yet been able to get up and go to work the next day, is it right for us to cry in the corner of our rooms? Is it fine for us to quit something the moment it gets hard or makes us uncomfortable? I have done just that and till today I question my actions.

At the same time, I understand the feeling of being overwhelmed and questioning everything in your life. I understand what it is like to be trapped in the vicious cycle of wanting to change and being drowned by how inadequate you feel.

I am trying to be conscious of the ‘when’, the ‘what’ and the ‘why’. I am trying to not be cruel to myself and especially to others. I am trying to make clear decisions. I am trying ‘to try’.



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