I have a genuine problem. It’s to do with breaking commandment no 10- thy shall not covet the neighbor’s goods.
This sometimes extends to someone’s partner too. I mentioned in the last post about how obsessed I am with Hamilton right? It doesn’t help that that obsession extends to it’s creator, Lin Manuel Miranda. There are few people on this planet that turn me into one of those groupie-type fangirls and unfortunately for him, he falls into that category of people. It’s pretty creepy how much I am invested in him.
I think the situation is mostly to do with how good he he is- he worked so hard, not only in this but in everything he has done throughout his career. I had no idea that the Piragua song that I used to be obsessed with was written by him. He is at the top of his game and I find that my attention is drawn to people who are in that similar position. Maybe that is to do with my own need to be “the best”. How stereotypically Asian of me.
But I digress.
That isn’t quite what I wanted to write about.
We had two Australian students in my last rotation- one in Paeds and one in O&G. They ended up becoming good friends of mine and my housemate, and we would hang out with them basically every day. The girl was more well off than the boy- he was more like my level of household income- and so she would own lots of pretty things, be it clothes or bags or shoes or make up, whatever.
And the little jealousy creature in me (that sounds a lot like Kelly Kapoor from The Office) just goes nuts. I want that SAME wallet, that SAME bag, those SAME whatever. And I genuinely feel small around her and my words are always tinged with envy. It’s a nasty habit, and I acknowledge that.
It’s not just people I know “IRL”, it’s people I follow on YouTube, or celebrities or blogs on Tumblr. I can name so many things I have bought because someone I admire (or whose life I follow) has that same item. You would think that logic would win out in this but let me tell you, it doesn’t. With how easy it is to click away my savings due to the convenience of PayPal, I have spent on so many things in a span of three years. While I have not actually calculated how much money has gone into the economy due to my spending, I can imagine the size of the number and it has many digits.
Why am I so compelled to throw “dollar dollar bills
y’all” at these things? At some level maybe I think that owning these things would fix something that’s missing from my own life. Dealing with what is self diagnosed depression (because I don’t really need to pay someone to tell me what I have because I have studied it- medical student complex), the urge to spend and throw money is part of the complex. Or maybe it’s the conditioning from society that makes me believe that these things are something to aspire to. And I have the “millennial” problem of wanting everything instantly. Patience has never been a strong suit.
I am hyper-aware of this and while it leads to me be conscious of the problem, it doesn’t stop me from going on websites and filling up the shopping cart with things I ‘want and don’t need’, only to exit the site after.
Self control is something I’m struggling with every day. I need to be content with what I have because it is good enough, and works fine, and having a prettier version of the same thing doesn’t improve my life in any way.