welp

My heart is in my throat as I type this. I did have something else queued up for today, but I think it would be more apt to publish this instead.

Tomorrow, approximately 13 hours after this goes up (or maybe less, if the system glitches from years passed have any say in it), I will find out if I am making it into Year 5.

While I did not make a fuss about it on Twitter, this is so important. I cannot fail this year. I really do not know what I would do if I failed. It is a bleak world to wake up to if I do not make it.

I have not been sleeping well the past few nights because the anxiety about this has been creeping in gradually. I was so absent minded today that I accidentally put in my home security keycard into the exit boom barrier at a mall. I had to go back and get the management of the parking area to get my card back.

I am in this state of extreme worry. My anxiety levels have never been higher. I can literally feel my heart beat harder and louder than ever before. It’s this thump in my ears that will not go away until I find out tomorrow.

I am scared, I genuinely am. I have checked the exam results release page multiple times in the past few days, ‘just in case’. I don’t deal well with the ‘waiting’ part of this.

There are so many ‘what if’s swirling in my mind. A few days ago I was tempted to draft an ‘I’M OFFICIALLY A DOCTOR’ post and keep it in my drafts so I can click ‘publish’ on Friday. But then the worry barged in and slammed that idea to the ground.

‘What if you did NOT pass? What then?’

I have never failed a major exam. I do not intend to. I am crossing my fingers, toes, and praying that I make it through. I hope that I can send out happy news to the Internet tomorrow.

Beam good thoughts, my friends. I desperately need them.

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