frustrated

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the king’s soldiers

And all the king’s men

Could not put Humpty together again

But who pushed Humpty?
Did he/she jump?

Maybe Humpty had had enough of everything. Maybe Humpty slipped. Maybe Humpty was trying to escape from something.

Maybe Humpty survived. Maybe he/she just had to be in a wheelchair for the rest of his/her life. Maybe Humpty managed to move on while having so many broken parts. Maybe Humpty could forgive his/her assailant. Maybe Humpty has amnesia, post-trauma.

Or maybe Humpty never truly fell, and it was someone else in his/her place.

Or maybe, too much crime-drama has finally made me a little too paranoid.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. It’s not a nice feeling, thinking of things that are broken or dead or gone. There has been a lot of watching of TV shows where characters die or leave. The books I’ve been reading so far have had people who died or left.

There has been lingering thoughts on people in my own life who are no longer ‘in it’, both metaphorically and literally.

Much like the plant in my last post, I think back on the many factors that lead to such situations. What did he/she say? Why did he/she have to go? What could have been done to prevent that loss? Perhaps if the diagnosis was made sooner, she/he would still be around.

While I go through my own five stages for the loss of my “plant”, I wish I could hurry the process and jump straight to ‘acceptance’. When something has been in your life for a long time, it definitely hurts a hell of a lot when it’s no longer around. When you’re to blame for it being gone, it’s worse.

Like a Hollywood divorce, the separation papers read ‘irreconcilable differences’. How true that is, I will never know. There was no reconciliation trial period, only the ‘living apart’ bit. There was never a report of being ‘in talks’ because no talking was done. It’s not fun. I think this is how it must feel like for a marriage to crumble. because you go into it believing in it’s permanence.

I am terrible griever. I spend a lot of time in anger and depression (stage 2 and 3).

I need to learn to be okay with this situation. It may break my heart, but I need to be okay with it.

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