photo credits to the amazing Death to the Stock Photo
A combination of my last days at home before I travel back to classes and what I’m pretty sure is PMS, has led me to fall back what I tend to do when I’m a jumble of emotions: sit down, and write.
I only have about 48 hours or so of my time left here before I pack into a car and get driven down. I wish I could say I was plenty excited but as always, it’s more dread than anything else. Classes, real life, patients, the scientific paper I am writing: it’s hard not to feel overwhelmed.
In the past few days I have had time to think…
to go over what I did during my break. I am actually quite stumped to come up with anything concrete. Apart from blogging, my time hasn’t been well used. While my classmates are jetting off to places, I am stagnant here. It’s not as interesting as anything they’ve done in the last 2 months.
What does that reflect on me? Am I far more isolated that I think I am? Is being connected to the world via clacking of keys limiting my desire to see the world, to meet people, and to ‘live’? Is this what I’m destined to be for years to come?
I have had time to think…
especially when I picked up my old journal from 3 years ago and read through how much agony I went through over applications for university. I read through the frustration I felt over my lack of spirit to study, how much procrastination I allowed myself to pick up.
Fast forward to now and where is the change in that? Are all those tears I cried, all those pages of ‘promising to myself to be better’, for nothing? If my relationship with my soul has been so beaten down repeatedly, how can I trust myself to do anything? Is that the reason I am what I am.
I have had time to think…
to contemplate a few things so far this week, namely my relationship with my friends. Last week, I touched on how reading the RB brought back so many feelings of resentment and anger, though of course, there were things that made me smile. I promised myself to be better at communicating how I feel but I find myself falling back into more juvenile actions; isolating myself from conflict, from meeting people head-on ( Isolation you see, is a common theme here)
I mentioned to Rae a few days ago that being with people from a certain point in your life just makes you step back into the person you were then. As much as I wish I wasn’t the 15 year old, being with the people I knew then just made me more like her, more like that child.
I can’t help but wonder what this all indicates. Am I truly never going to move on from then? Have I really grown, or has it all been in my head? Do we already have ‘default modes’ when it comes to relationships that were forged years and years ago? And how does one move on from being in that state?
I have time to think…
As much as we progress, we remain the same, especially when we choose to remain the same. While I have always been a firm believer that people never truly change, that some part of our nature is fully ingrained in our being, I must also acknowledge that change is a conscious effort. One does not simply write about wanting to grow, wanting to behave differently and expect it to happen overnight. As Sabrina Smelko from HandsAndHustle says, the reason we don’t do what we talk about so much is because deep down, we don’t want it enough.
This is something she says in that post:
Be honest with yourself. There’s nothing wrong with not actually wanting to do something. If you don’t want to, that’s totally cool, but stop talking about it then. Talk is talk, action is action. Talking about doing the thing won’t make you do it. Verbalizing it or writing it down doesn’t make it real and, in fact, I think it’s dangerous—as if saying it aloud to someone is half the battle when it’s not even a fraction of the battle
I think it would be good to reevaluate what I want, what I TRULY want, not what looks good on the surface that I could never muster the effort to do, but what I really want from myself, my relationships, my education, my experiences. Much like my dogs when it’s time for their treats, they pursue it head on because it’s animalistic to want it.
If you want something to work, be it losing that weight or maintaining that long distance relationship, you have to put yourself into action mode because default isn’t good enough.