20/20

The hardest thing out of the list I made on the 31st of December 2014 is definitely the second last part: being kind to myself. I think that’s something I will continuously struggle with.

Part of it is me being self-conscious: about the way I look, the things in life I haven’t achieved or done, the things I find that are deficient in myself. I look inward and find this person who’s afraid of a losing out, afraid of being left behind when so many people are leaps and bounds ahead of me, be it in education, be it in spirituality, be it in health, relationships, life achievements. I feel discontented with who I am and I compare myself to them.

That has to stop.

Or at least, I need to make a conscious decision to stop. A good friend of mine helped me through a rough patch I had today, and it helped me see things differently. That’s why I have decided that this year I’m going to use that word to help myself get through the rough times. I’m choosing to ‘see’. I know it’s not particularly descriptive or even an adjective; that’s the reason I chose it, because it’s a verb.

I need to see myself in a new light in 2015. I need to see that despite my deficiencies, there are things about myself that I do like; that despite lagging behind when it comes to other aspects of growing up, I can see the direction I’m heading and that’s enough. I need to see that I am on the right path, see that I am capable of trusting myself, and trusting His plan for me.

I’m going to do my best this year to keep that word in mind, to make it truly an ‘action’ in my daily life.

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