With some reflection on yesterday’s post, I realise that I used to be quite a Type A personality. I used to be intense in school, I would compete for first place a lot and I was far more driven. I was addict, and winning was my crack. I think all that died when I got to medical school.
Here everyone is smart, it’s so much harder to compete, it’s a tough environment when you’re used to being on top. I can almost identify the moment I gave up in Year 1. It was right after our first exam and I got a Mediocre. For someone who has been getting Distinctions for most of her school life, that was a blow to my ego. And I never recovered. All of that spiraled into me becoming quite depressed, contemplating leaving school, actually seeing the school counselor quite often for my anxiety and emotional stress.
I have not felt fire burning to succeed in a long, long time. My mom is fond of asking me “Where did that girl go? You used to be so different.” I had become complacent and not struggled because the amount of information I needed to know has become ridiculously overwhelming. I have let days go by where I don’t work at anything at all. I have spent a lot of time watching TV, creating things on Photoshop, reading storybooks and well, just wasting a heck of a lot of time.
While being a Type A personality basically means you’re tightly wound, highly stressed and suffer from almost crippling paranoia that you’re never going to do well, I miss it so much. I miss having that passion to do things, to be better than everyone else. It’s conceited, I know but I have gained so much from being a Type A before that now I’m a shell of the person I used to be.
One could even say that I’ve ‘let myself go’.
Lately, I’ve felt that same fire, well, at least a kindling of that flame. Getting that 20/20 on Sunday was such a boost. I have not felt that good about my studies in ages. For the first time in a long time, I have felt great about myself. I want to sustain that.
Next Tuesday, we have a quiz in uni, called the John Desmond Prize in Occupational Health. It’s a short paper, EMQ-ish and there’s actual prizes. I really, really, really want to win first prize. Like I told Lydia a day ago, it would infuriate me beyond compare if someone else won it instead of me. I haven’t felt that way in a long time. I’m good at Occupational Health, there’s a chance that I could actually do it. And damn, I want to.
It’s been a while since I pushed myself in anything, except for when I studied for my MCR last Sunday. I want to win, I want it so badly, it’s a bit ridiculous. I don’t know, does this mean that I’m slowly becoming ‘myself’ again?
I sure hope so.