a whole lotta questions

why

Sometimes I think about why I waste so much time doing nothing. Or doing things that are unproductive. What exactly is holding me back from using my time wisely, especially when I am hyperaware of my own failings. Why do I constantly muck up situations?

Consistency is something I have not been good at my whole life. Wait, that’s not true. It’s something I stopped being good at after high school. Throughout my years wearing a uniform, I learned to study harder, I had a sort-of routine, I got good grades and I as consistently .. good. But now, I am rarely consistent in doing anything. I often feel like a fraud when I dish out advice because I’m not great at things either. Who am I to tell people what’s good for them?

I have terrible habits, things I wish I could overcome. I acknowledge them, try to change and only stick to the said change for a week. I don’t get it. Why is the one thing I am consistent at is the fact that I am inconsistent?

According to this post over at JennyPurr, she speaks about fear, excuses and practicalities as the main contributing factors for her restraint to do things. I guess the same, at least the first two that is, can be applied to me.

Maybe, deep down, I fear what consistency in my personal life, study or relationships might mean. It may require me to work harder or to maintain the grades or cut down on things I like to do, in order to upkeep certain aspects of my life. Am I too scared to do that? What was it about me ten years ago that was more willing to do these things? I think perhaps, having structure with primary and secondary school was how I focused better. Without it, I clearly have no proper control.

I do make excuses for the days that I don’t function well. I chalk it up to ‘I can do it tomorrow’ or ‘It’s not urgent’ when in reality, my world has many cracks in it. I do things at the last minute for what reason? Do I enjoy the stress? Do I feed off the ‘not knowing if i’ll make it’?

I know one thing for sure: I used to have it under control. Now, I don’t. Not really anyway. That’s a big problem.

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