not okay

aftermath

This is a rare instance where I type the post the day I publish it. But I couldn’t write last night.

The 13th of August was a horrible day. It started out fine, it started out normal but it ended with my crying and wanting to do things I have not done in a long time.

My brother’s best friend, Alexandra was receiving an award yesterday because she’s the top student in university for her batch last year. She didn’t have anyone here in JB, so she called me yesterday morning asking if I could come. I felt bad for her so I showed up.

They read her accolades and believe me, they were long. She’s done this, she’s done that, she’s performed spectacularly. And I guess that’s what triggered the downward spiral. 

As much as I would like to pretend I thrive on pressure, I don’t. Not when it’s overwhelming, it’s unattainable and I constantly suffer from comparison. 

I called my mother after the ceremony and told her about what Alex won, what she has done and what she’s currently pursuing, only to naturally receive the reply: When are you going to do that too? 

Here’s the thing. I can never achieve what Alex did, namely because I am mentally unstable. I went for regular counseling sessions in the last 2 years because of it. I have a problem with dealing with pressure and frankly, I crack. 

So, with that on my mind, I received another call from Alex, asking me out for dinner with her and some of her juniors. I said yes because hey, it would be good to get advice right? But my housemate practically insisted that I couldn’t go. That ticked me off. I hated the fact that someone was trying to run my life for me, making decisions about where I could and could not go. But I caved and turned Alex down.

Turns out, my housemates threw me a surprise dinner.

Here’s one thing you need to know about me:

I hate surprises. I never liked it before, I don’t like it now. I need order, I need organisation. I hate it when people sneak around a matter. 

So with everything added up, all I did was be really rude and quiet through the whole thing. Sure, I participated in conversation, laughed at a few things. But most of the time, all I did was keep silent. I am terrible person. These people took time out to celebrate with me but I simply shut them out.

When we came back, I went straight to my room and had a meltdown. This involved crying, a relapse into an old habit and leaving long messages on my best friend’s Whatsapp. I curled myself up in a corner of my bed, turned off the lights and let myself suffocate a little without the fan or the air-conditioning. Yes, I am that sort of person. I take meltdowns very seriously. I throw myself in full force. 

I don’t deal well things. I thought I had it handled but I didn’t. It’s this whole mess inside of my head and heart, and now I have to deal with it.

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3 thoughts on “not okay

  1. Hi….I just wanted to say that I understand. No platitudes from me, but I’m offering my ears if you want someone else to talk to. I’m contactable via my blog and also over on tumblr if you want. Comparison is a HORRIBLE thing, and something hard to avoid. xx

    Like

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