My blue period

I have no idea why I like my new desktop background so much. If you want, you can download it from here: DesignLoveFest. Last night, amidst my tears I decided to delete a bunch of documents and change my background because I wanted something new. I needed something new.

Anyway, I have had time to think and breathe, so today went so much better than yesterday did. The friends I’m sharing the apartment with have passed (much better than I did, of course), so naturally it’s a good thing: we’re all moving on. I may not be 100% certain but I will do my best. I know that I’ve said it time and time again, but this time I really am too afraid to be very fearful of failing. I had nightmares, I had such palpitations. When I woke up to read that some of my course mates have gotten their results, I wanted to die. I kept thinking “no. i can’t do this. not after yesterday.”

My relief when I saw the results is indescribable. I ran down and told my mom, I hugged her because I was so grateful. After weeks of waiting and being so afraid, I passed. I am so grateful for being able to not disappoint them. So much money has gone into this and if I had failed.. I really would have had a terrible mental breakdown. I might have done something horrible but thankfully I didn’t have to. Thankfully I survived.

Next year is going to be this huge year when we have to grow up and go out into wards, meet patients, know things at the tip of our fingers.. I am scared but I am slightly excited. I think I do well with people. Kinda. I’m not too bad with thinking on my feet and seeing connections. I’m not stellar, knowledge wise but I have the next month or so to improve on that. As for my “art”, I’ll have time to do that when I can. 2014 is not as bleak as I once thought. It’s not as bad, it’s not scary, it’s new. I need to embrace “new”.

There’s this post on Tumblr that goes “2013 was my character development year which means 2014 is strictly action and story progression and i don’t know about you but i’m excited”. I find that I actually relate to that in my own way. I actually feel like that applies to me very strongly. 2013 has been this terrible roller-coaster of doom. I had some highs, I’ve had lows that have been as close to scraping my face on the ground. I’ve made connections with people and I’ve rebuild ones that I broke. 2013 has been terrifying and it’s not over yet. I don’t know how much disaster can strike in the next week but I hope that I won’t have anything worse than what I have been through.

Yes, maybe I’m exaggerating my “plight” but believe me, it was a very real experience. I look forward to Christmas now, I look forward to not failing my driver’s license test AGAIN, I look forward to shopping for new clothes and nice shoes for Year 3, I look forward to spending time with my best friends before I move, I look forward to talking to my biggest online support systems. Today was a well needed boost to my ego after the shredding it has been through. I feel broken but still put together albeit by really fragile cellophane tape.

I’m better today than I was yesterday, and right now, that’s all that matters.

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