I’m on my mid-semester break right now and it’s good to be able to breathe. Like always, I’ve spent a bunch of days doing absolutely nothing productive and simply hanging about online and keeping up with friends.
But there have been big things looming in the horizon and it’s scaring me to think about them.
Namely, the big exam in November. It terrifies me that those 4 days will make or break me. I have yet to fully feel comfortable with the career of my future and that has put me off from truly putting my heart into my studies. And then I have my parents will all their hopes and dreams for me, providing everything so that I’ll succeed. If that isn’t pressure, I don’t know what is. I react badly to pressure. I cave. I sit and feel overwhelmed and the next thing I know, time has gone by and I am stagnant.
Then next year, I’ll be tossed to the other corner of the country and expected to be able to perform as a doctor. Clinical years start in Year 3 and I am far from ready. I am far from competent, which stems from the previous paragraph. It’s awful going into something knowing that you’re just ready to fail.
I hate the fact that I placed myself in this situation and that I have been in this rut for the past year and 9 months. I really need to get myself out of this, one way or another. I really don’t know how I’m going to continue.