What I want

What I want is to sit in my room all day and watch movies on the laptop without feeling any remorse. I want to not have to go outside because there is no need to. I want to just sit and smile as Jenna Fisher and Chris Messina fall in love with each other in The Giant Mechanical Man. I just want to lay there and do nothing else.

What I want is to be able to lie down in a park without worrying that the ants will wage war on me. I want to bring my dogs for a walk where there are no “NO DOGS ALLOWED” signs. I want to sit under the sun without it scorching me. I want spend time outdoors, breathing.

What I want is to be in New York city with my best friend. I want to move there with her so we can do everything we wanted to. I want to eat in a diner and see all kinds of people. I want to be in the City that Never Sleeps, the place John J. Fitz Gerald called The Big Apple.

What I want is to own a bookstore that people want to spend time in. I want to own one like Meg Ryan’s character did in You’ve Got Mail. I want to tell people about my favourite books and introduce them to the best authors. I want to surround myself with the smell of paper and ink, relishing every moment.

What I want is to learn to knit or do crochet. I want to make myself a hat that would seem obnoxious to wear in Malaysia. I want to make sweaters that I could give as birthday presents. I want to make little booties that I make my dogs wear.

What I want is to love and be loved by someone. I want to be wrapped up in the knowledge that someone really cares for me. I want to have someone that I’ll think of when I listen to cheesy love songs. I want to be someone’s “someone”.

What I want is to be a better person. I want to the friend that people can rely on. I want to be able to drop everything to be there for people. I want to buy tubs of ice cream and randomly drop by your place, so we can cry over how Joey returns to Albert at the end of War Horse.

What I want is to know who I should be in life, to know my direction. I want to figure out what exactly I should be doing instead of just going with the current. I want to feel like I’m on fire, to have a purpose for living. I want to learn to become the person I’m suppose to be.

I want so much but I have no way of getting those “wants”.

And somedays, those aren’t just “wants”, they’re “needs”.

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