a moment of weakness

I wonder what it’s like to fall in love. Haha I know. It’s funny for me to write this because it’s not in my nature to speak of such things. But blame a friend of mine for influencing me into watching You’ve Got Mail. And that movie (!) is the ultimate romantic comedy.

Really though, what is it like to fall in love? I’ve never been in love. I’ve thought that I was in love but those were silly crushes that simply broke me into pieces. No,I don’t know what love is; romantic love, that is. I’ve always wondered what it was like to be able to feel so much for a person, to enjoy just sitting in their company and having endless conversations. To want to be with someone so much that it hurts to be away from them. I don’t know. I have friends who have fallen in and out of love. Some have broken hearts, other have had their hearts broken. Me? No.. never had that, and I doubt I ever will.

You see, I don’t know how to open myself up to someone. It’s such a foreign concept to me. I was brought up to be independent, to put any romantic notions on the back burner. Funny, how living that way for so long could make you not know how to open up to a possibility. I’m the sort of person, like I’ve mentioned in the last rant-y post, who never shuts up and acts inanely. I can be super cranky, I can be super giddy. I fluctuate between moods like a sphere in Newton’s Cradle. I’m mean, I’m sharp with my words. I’m a far nicer person online than I am in person. I am in no way physically attractive, in fact I’m quite repulsive. Hahaha. If I feel threatened, I clam up. If I feel shy, I snap, I get harsh with my actions and words. It’s stupid. It’s a defense mechanism.

You see, that’s why I’ll never make someone happy. I’m not programmed to; not conditioned to. You know how you have your best friends telling you that “you’re wonderful. someone WILL fit you just right.”. I doubt that is the case with me. I laugh it off usually but it does kill my soul a little to know that I was born a spinster. I’ll have the many many many dogs that I’ve always wanted and spend time in bookstores where characters cannot desert me.

So, dear reader, I have to ask you: Have you been in love? Are you in love? If the answer is ‘yes’ to either question, please tell me what it’s like. I’d dearly like to know. Have pity on a poor spirit who has been denied this chance. My thanks in advance.

oh please Grace, how old are you again?

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2 thoughts on “a moment of weakness

  1. “You see, that’s why I’ll never make someone happy. I’m not programmed to; not conditioned to. You know how you have your best friends telling you that “you’re wonderful. someone WILL fit you just right.”. I doubt that is the case with me.”

    Grace. You gotta be more optimistic than that! =D

    Like

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