alright. So I’m a very angry person right now and I just got told off by my parents. Am I an ungrateful bitch? Yes I am.
I got into Monash University and now I’m complaining. Why? Because applying to the UK was a mistake. Why did I bother to try when clearly it was not an option. Scholarships? No guarantee. Money isn’t the only issue. Why did I bother applying to a place knowing that even if I did get in somewhere, chances are I’ll just end up heartbroken and bitter (like I am now) because I cannot afford to go. Why did I bother putting my teachers and myself through all that work when I wasn’t going to go there? Why did I put in all that fricking effort and cry for an hour in the girl’s bathroom when I pissed off a teacher over my application to just feel the way I do now? Someone tell me why the hell was I trying for something that is unattainable, realistically.
If you have younger siblings, tell them to THINK before trying. Because trying takes effort and cash that you may not really have. Because trying means that even when you get in, you still know that the window of chance for you to actually make the trip there, to study there is very slim.
I know I’m being ungrateful but I can’t help but be resentful towards my parents. IF only they had managed their finances better. IF only they had kept the cash set aside for Aaron and my education. IF . IF. IF freaking IF. You know how cliche it is for people to blame their parents? I am a walking cliche right now. I’m so mad because I got in BUT again because of shit circumstances I probably can’t go. This isn’t the first time. And I can’t help but be so fricking angry.
I know you’re probably thinking, “God, Grace please just be grateful that you’re going to university. Spending the money on medicine locally is STILL A LOT. Stop bitching about it.” Don’t you think I don’t know that? My mom went on and on about how I should be grateful that they put down those fees for my first semester. She reminded again and again that some people don’t even get to pursue what they want. I know that. I understand that. In my own twisted way, I am grateful. But I can’t help the way I feel. In my head all I can do is imagine all the “what if’s”.
I feel horrible because my temper is flaring. I feel horrible for snapping at my parents because they are doing what they can. I feel like a monster. I just have to let it out for now. Can’t they see where I’m coming from? Can’t they see how I am blaming them because it was their mistakes that lead me here. Well, that last line made me appear to be even more of a venomous snake. I just have all this feelings about this shitty circumstance that I can’t fully appreciate anything right now.
Dear reader, if you want to be a parent in the future, promise me this: you will start fricking saving the moment you’re married for the future of your child. You don’t want that baby to get all monster-like or resentful or hurt like I am right now. Do not let that kid get mad at you for not being able to provide for his or her dream, especially when they’ve worked for it.
Alright. I feel a little calmer. I needed to vent. Things go up and down lately that I needed to scream a bit. You lose your best friend, you lose your dreams.. everything gets so fricked up sometimes.
But whatever. OK. I’ll be alright. I’m going to have to soldier on because life doesn’t work out the way you want it to. I’m just going to suck it up and pray that I will get stronger. Syazana has been reminding me to trust in God and you know what? ; it’s high time I listen to the words of the wise. Enough of being mad right? I got it out of my system, mostly, and starting next Monday, I’m a medical student. I need to learn to shut the heck up and deal with things not going my way. I need to let go of the frustration that’s been welling up inside me.
I just need to learn to breathe and to suck it up. Being angry never got me anywhere. My parents work hard to put me through the next 5 years of my life so I need to do them proud. Medical school locally or elsewhere.. it’s still medical school. I’ll be uncomfortable in orientation regardless where I go so why not be uncomfortable where my friends are only a not-so-expensive call away? Life is what you make it. And as Benjamin Franklin once said: God helps those who help themselves.
So I need to start helping me. New school, new friends, new me. I’ve just got to learn to deal.