Tomorrow I fly off to Sabah for Christmas with my mother’s side of the family. Like I’ve mentioned before, it’ll be the first time my father will be back there in about 15 years. Last year was the first time my father spent Christmas with my mother’s family  in 14 years, since they came down. Most of them anyway.

I cross my fingers and hope for the best tomorrow. I am terrified to be honest. I don’t have the mood to write anything for the 2012 prep or the Book Challenge right now because there are butterflies in my stomach. Scratch that. There are pterodactyl in my stomach. It’s scary. Everything depends on how this weekend goes. It’s important to my mother. Aaron and I will be walking on eggshells this Christmas. We have to make sure everything goes well. I know my father. If one thing goes wrong, it’ll be a total collapse. I do not want there to be a meltdown. My mother does not deserve that. I just pray that everything goes well.

I know, it’s barely 3 days and two nights; we leave tomorrow afternoon and return on Monday at noon. Still, it’s a huge deal. I don’t know if you can truly comprehend the stress of the situation. My heart is pounding at the idea of going back. My mom and I went back for Christmas twice and believe me, I only went to make her happy. The wonderful family dynamic that has been created over the years has always caused a great separation in my family. It’s like a divorced couple but not exactly. Aaron has never gone back for Christmas either but him I’m not worried about.

I pray that Scrooge does not emerge this Christmas. I pray that God will have mercy on our family. Prayers are much appreciated.

this is a rant. I have a cloud over my head.

On the other hand, I’ve been feeling a little put out. Have you ever felt like your friends don’t care as much as you do? I think we all feel that way sometimes, unless you’re the friend who truly could care less. I feel like I’m talking to no one when I write here. Sure there are those of you who follow this blog and I truly am grateful to you. But it’s so sad that 90% of you who do aren’t even people I know in real life. Am i spewing all this to air? Then again, having strangers read your thoughts is much easier because what you say hardly hits home.

So this is to my friends who don’t care enough: I love you so much that it hurts sometimes and I wonder whether you know that. There are days when I wonder why I should, because clearly you don’t do me the same courtesy. It bugs me that I try harder than you do. Am I the only one in this friendship? Am I the only one who bothers to make an effort? It sucks that sometimes I don’t hear anything from you even when I keep trying. Am I stuck in the relationships where you only ask for me when you need help? That’s not fair to me, you know. I wonder whether you know how often I bottle up how I feel because I’m too busy consoling you.  It would be nice if you asked me, genuinely asked me, how I was doing. It would be great if you read the things I write, like you claim you do, and asked me about it. It would be fantastic if you could be a friend. I hate that people whom I’ve barely known care more about me than you do. It’s funny how life works that way. You claim that you consider me a dear friend yet you’re never there.

I needed to write that. In some ways, I am directing that at one person; in others, it’s to many. I may not be the best possible friend out there but I do try. I have dropped everything to be there for some people and I am blessed that there are those who try to do the same. I have been lucky to get people who do check in with me, who really want to hear about things, who care enough to talk to me when I need them. But like so many, I have friends who see that I face issues or other friends face issues and they simply back off. ‘Why should I get involved in this? It’s too late. I don’t think he/she wants to go through the details with me again. I’m busy. I have a lot on my plate.’ I get that sometimes. I understand the hectic life. But sometimes I wonder about the friends who disappear when you’re in need. You may say you’re fed up with the person or you just don’t want to get into something so complicated, but remember, when you’re in that sort of situation, you’d like people who’re willing to stick it out with you.  If you wuss out when you should step up, you’re not worth befriending.

Try to understand what it means to be a friend. It’s exhausting being friends (not acquaintances. there’s a difference. An acquaintance is someone you know superficially. A friend is someone who knows your soul and knows who you are as a human being) with a person who doesn’t want to be there. Come on, you know when you’re a friend and when you’re an acquaintance. You know that there is a difference. There are the littlest things in life that a friend knows, little details about you that a friend would remember. You can tell when a person is half interested in your conversations and when the person is giving you his or her full attention. What’s the point of pretending to listen?!

Stop trying to get by in this relationship by just ‘touch and go’-ing. It doesn’t work. When you make promises and you don’t keep the end of your bargain, people remember. When you promise to show up but you don’t, people remember. Even when you simply forget to call or send a message that you can’t make it AND you don’t apologise after that, people remember. There’s a reason they call it a ‘cold shoulder’; it’s the one you neglected to put your arm around. I hate that people pretend that things are going well. I hate that some people don’t understand when they’ve let others down. Are you so bloody-minded that you cannot tell when people are angry with you? Or do you just assume things will blow over. Sometimes they do but the heart never forgets. There are tears in the tapestry of friendship that cannot be mended by ignorance.

I know, I’m going on and on about this. But I’m hurt. I guess I had expectations that were dashed.


4 thoughts on “gridlock

  1. Grace, are you okay? Or was that a stupid question given the contents of this post? Never mind, ignore it. Hope you had a good Christmas 🙂 and just to make you a tad jealous………i just bought Jodi Picoult’s “House Rules”


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