In my room that feels so bare with the raindrops pelting the tin roof, I feel compelled to write something in my usual train of “emotional baggage”. You are invited to ignore this post. You are more invited to read it. I’m writing it as a therapy for my own broken soul. It may not make sense to you nor would it have a proper flow as that of well thought out post. It’s just ramblings.
You have been duly warned.
In some ways we all are looking for a little healing, a little forgiveness. For who we are, for what we’ve been, for the things we’ve done, for the times of indiscretion and for the times of discretion.
According to science we are made up of tiny atoms that are joined together by strong intermolecular bonds to form a seemingly solid being. Some scientist may not believe that we have a soul. But I do. I believe that each and every one of us is made up of the physical and the spiritual. No, I don’t believe in ghosts. But I believe we can be haunted.
Our past is something we have no control of. I look back on my own and there are things that I’ve done that have made me a better person. There are also things I wish I could take back, oh so many things. But isn’t that what people say?; you have to make mistakes to learn from them.
I believe that. I have made so many mistakes of my own that if I didn’t believe in learning from them, I’d be a complete wreck (not to say that I haven’t been a wreck at many points in my life). With everything we do, with every action we take, we must learn to move on from them. We must learn to dissect those moments of weakness and understand our behaviour. We must learn to forgive our failings as a human being.
I won’t go into details but when it comes to doing what’s wrong, I’m good at it. A few years back, a friend called me an Ice Queen, sitting on her high horse and judging people. Funny how little dear friends can know you. I guess I’m good at hiding my own follies from the world. In all honesty, I’m no better than anyone else. In fact I may be worse. If only I could, I would scrub my soul clean of every taint that I feel is still there. I tend to fall back into the same old habits, the same old foolish behaviour, the same old transgressions. I am disgusted by that.
But who are we but mere mortals? Who are we but people who need to beg for forgiveness from God?
“The quality of mercy is not strained,
It drops like the gentle rain from heaven upon the place below.
It is twice blest.
It blesseth him that gives
and him that takes.”
Shakespeare wrote those wise words in his play “The Merchant of Venice” hundred of years ago. Mercy and forgiveness are an attribute to God Himself. So true. Which is why forgiveness is never easy. I know I find it hard to forgive others and to mostly forgive myself. It’s a bitter road when after your accept your mistakes, you commit them again and again. You lose the trust for yourself.
Failure is an attribute of humanity.
All we can do is wake up tomorrow and decide to brush ourselves off.
We can decide to last longer this time.
We can decide to try harder, to be better, to search for a solution.
Forgiveness is not only about letting go of your mistakes. It’s also about forcing yourself to work harder to never repeat the same errors again.