It is 5 am in the morning on the first of September, I’m typing this into Microsoft Word and frankly feeling like a pile of crap. Perhaps I’m PMS-ing because lately nothing has been going right. Everything hurts. Nothing seems to be going my way. I don’t sleep because I stay up at night, wasting time. The anxiety of growing up is getting to me. I hate feeling so lousy.
Yes, dear reader this is going to be an angst ridden post. Do remember that I don’t know if you will continue reading this so stop if you don’t want to continue. (duh right?). Here: I’ll end this paragraph so you can click elsewhere.
Still with me, huh? Oh well; you could still dump me like everyone else in my life half-way through this and walkaway without any regret because again, I don’t know who you are nor will I know how far into this you’ve gone.
So what is bugging me? LIFE. Exams are next week and I spend a lot of time on the computer instead of burying myself in my books. I spend time in dreamland. I spent time doing absolutely nothing. I hate that I have no self-control. I hate that I am a complete slave to technology that I literally made it my lover. I hate that nothing seems to fix my brain to tune it to proper things like my education. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate myself. I hate that I hate me. Why is it so hard to motivate yourself to study? Why is it that I always have this problem? Maybe I should quit the world of books and sing in a bar! At least singing is something I can actually do without the same amount of effort it takes to memorise a Pacinian Corpuscle or an operational amplifier. Dear David Foster, please “discover” me and take me away from my misery.
I’m not saying that I don’t want to continue studying. I guess the financial burden it’ll be on my family scares me so much. Perhaps it’s the realisation that about 90% of Science students want to be doctors. Perhaps it’s the fact that next year, I will be on the path that will technically “seal my fate” ala Phantom of the Opera. (I’m pretty sure no one gets that song reference. Don Juan Triumphant? No? Maybe you do, Rae.) Growing up is shitty. I do not know why any kid wants to. Let’s face it, growing older means more temptations, a crappier view of the world, a contaminated mind, a whole lot more heartache and a longer list of things to get done. Yes, I know, growing up is not meant to be easy. But was it meant to be this hard? Or am I the only person who seems to have so much going on in my head I am basically John Dorian without the great sense of humour. If only I could take out my mind and sort it. If I could do that I probably wouldn’t be up these past few nights, tossing and turning over what other ways I can screw everything up.
Emotionally, I am worn out. In some ways I lost a friend. Perhaps I wasn’t doing enough to be her friend but then again, nor was she. Sure the simple “I’m so busy nowadays” go to line is tossed around. But really, friendships are about effort right? People that I am not as close to travel all the way to see me. People that I have only known for a few years or months seem to care more. I know that I am not completely justified in the way I reacted but then again, communication is a two way street. A simple message would have sufficed but I didn’t get that. I’m sorry that I shut down when people shut me out; especially when that person matters a lot to me. After all this time, this problem crops up. Maybe life has changed us so much that in a span of a year, you don’t recognise the person you once called your “best friend”. Maybe now, we are traveling on two separate paths that lead us to polar ends. That sucks. I wish things were different. I wish that I could have understood you better. Hopefully you have found people who can.
There are so many things I am blessed with in life but as always, I focus on the bad stuff. I am a ball of negativity that I basically radiate it and discharging happiness from every soul. Yes, I am extremely messed up. Here I am early in the morning listening to lounge music and cursing the vermin of my soul. If there was a way to fix me, do drop the remedy in the comment box. It’s not fun having to rant about this or keep awake because your mind is refusing to let you take a break. I feel sad and lonely right now. Why can’t virtual hugs be real? At least then I’d have some from Mel and Rae. Why is it that people who make you happy have to be so far away? If I had class tomorrow, oh wait, today, I’d be happier. Seeing my classmates would make things so much better. Stealing Mei Yen’s newspaper every morning, listening to Willy complain about how near the real exams are, laughing with Aulia, Nisha and Syierah about Merlin, watching to Kamran imitate a teacher, teasing Kiat for coming in late, hearing random teacher-directed questions from Hewson, listening to Hirinya’s endless laughter. It’s sad that I’ll never hear that again once November has come and gone. As I have said before, my A-level class is my all-time favourite. As with the way of the world, that which brings me joy is ending soon. Owen will not be there when next Wednesday comes and that takes down my current happiness level down a whole notch.
Dear God, what is wrong with me? Why do I always find myself back in this same situation? Why do I always end up being the one who writes long sad pieces about how life is unfair? Is this my penance for my sins? I wish I knew better. Crying is not going to help me fix anything but it’ll help ease the hurt by a smidge. If only I knew how to be better and to live like a normal person and not exterminate every decent thing in my life. Man, that retreat I took in Form 3 is really needed right now. Oh screw that, I need a time-turner so I can go back to the start. Better still, I need a magic pill that will sort my mind for me so I can finally think straight. If only life was a Sarah Dessen novel! I wouldn’t mind being the heroine if I knew that there was a sensible, happy, positive ending waiting for me. But Ms Dessen does not write my life for me. She doesn’t make my choices for me or fills my life with an obvious life lesson that becomes the impetus I need to become the better version of myself. I am my own writer. I have been given free will to lead whatever life I choose. Sure God gives me the outline (which is way too hazy to truly be deciphered) but ultimately I choose my own demons. I choose whether or not to battle them or to give in.
Hah. I have had my moment of clarity. Funny how the answer stares you in the face but it takes a lot of talking and self-analysing to see it. Isn’t that always the way?
Paradigm shift of 2011.