a whole lotta questions

October 1, 2014 § Leave a comment

why

Sometimes I think about why I waste so much time doing nothing. Or doing things that are unproductive. What exactly is holding me back from using my time wisely, especially when I am hyperaware of my own failings. Why do I constantly muck up situations?

Consistency is something I have not been good at my whole life. Wait, that’s not true. It’s something I stopped being good at after high school. Throughout my years wearing a uniform, I learned to study harder, I had a sort-of routine, I got good grades and I as consistently .. good. But now, I am rarely consistent in doing anything. I often feel like a fraud when I dish out advice because I’m not great at things either. Who am I to tell people what’s good for them?

I have terrible habits, things I wish I could overcome. I acknowledge them, try to change and only stick to the said change for a week. I don’t get it. Why is the one thing I am consistent at is the fact that I am inconsistent?

According to this post over at JennyPurr, she speaks about fear, excuses and practicalities as the main contributing factors for her restraint to do things. I guess the same, at least the first two that is, can be applied to me.

Maybe, deep down, I fear what consistency in my personal life, study or relationships might mean. It may require me to work harder or to maintain the grades or cut down on things I like to do, in order to upkeep certain aspects of my life. Am I too scared to do that? What was it about me ten years ago that was more willing to do these things? I think perhaps, having structure with primary and secondary school was how I focused better. Without it, I clearly have no proper control.

I do make excuses for the days that I don’t function well. I chalk it up to ‘I can do it tomorrow’ or ‘It’s not urgent’ when in reality, my world has many cracks in it. I do things at the last minute for what reason? Do I enjoy the stress? Do I feed off the ‘not knowing if i’ll make it’?

I know one thing for sure: I used to have it under control. Now, I don’t. Not really anyway. That’s a big problem.

stuff stuff stuff

September 30, 2014 § Leave a comment

Untitled-1

There aren’t many things I really want in life, but there are a handful that I REALLY want. It’s kinda materialistic but money is to be spent, right? And sometimes, it’s good to get something that makes you happy.

1. A Volkswagen Beetle (pending)

You can see it on the top left hand corner of my blog. I LOVE this car. I have always wanted one, even as a child. It’s been the car of my dreams since I can remember. Today, my uncle texted me to tell me that he bought a VW Beetle. It’s white, it’s shiny, and it’s REAL. My uncle and I share the same taste in cars, so in one of our previous discussions, he said that when he buys one, I’ll be the first to sit in it. Unfortunately, because of distance, I won’t be the lucky first driver (or second really) but I’m at least the first to officially know. I have never sat in a VW before and I cannot wait to see it in person. :)

2. A pug

I have my Lulu and I am content. I did tell you guys that I actually did a powerpoint presentation for my parents, to convince them that a pug would be a good idea, right? I sent them emails with pug gifs or photos. I kept talking about pugs and played Youtube videos OF pugs. And now I have my baby. 3 more days till I go home to see her. :)

1

3. Big Chill kitchen appliances (pending)

I am relatively domestic. I love cooking. I may not be good at it but baking and cooking have become very therapeutic for me. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the brand but Big Chill has the best looking kitchen appliances out there. Look at these:

Screen Shot 2014-09-30 at 9.25.05 PM

Screen Shot 2014-09-30 at 9.26.55 PM

 

THEY ARE SO PRETTY. *grabby hands* I know it’s luxe but damn, if I can furnish my kitchen with that one day, I shall be a happy cook.

4. A Cambridge Satchel

I first saw this beautiful bag a few years ago and I really wanted to get it ever since. This year, I splurged, the BIGGEST splurge ever, on the 13 inch Cambridge Satchel in Vintage, and I do not regret it at all. Maybe I should have gotten the 14 inch one just because I could probably fit my laptop in, but the 13 inch is brilliant. It’s started to become ever so slightly worn in some parts but that’s the beauty of a leather bag, right? The little defects make it unique.

2

5. Benefit Cosmetics (pending)

I don’t use make-up at all but I really like the packaging of Benefit. It’s retro-esque, which is right up my alley. Maybe one day, I may get something from Benefit but until then, I shall covet everything on this site.

Screen Shot 2014-09-30 at 9.43.43 PM

 

6. NYC Apartment (pending)

You didn’t think I was going to leave this out, were you? If you know me well enough, you know that I intend to do the whole big move to NYC by the time I’m 30. Yes, I may be silly because it’s a crazy dream. I may be disllusioned when I get there but for now, I really want this to happen. There is a reason people flock to this city, right?

Print from Paper Parasol Press

Yes, I am being pretty superficial with all these but what the heck, right? We all deserve some fun.

September 29, 2014 § Leave a comment

I am going home in a few days and as always, I can’t wait. I hate relying on my friends for me to get to places or to buy things, because if I were to say I need to go grocery shopping, my housemate would feel obligated to bring me to the grocery store. I don’t like troubling people. It’s something I have avoided as much as possible growing up. I don’t like having to rely on other people, unless you’re family and even then, I try not to be a bother.

Today, a friend of mine drove from uni to pick me (and my other housemate) to the evening lecture. I had no idea he was already at uni the whole time but was willing to drive out again, just for us. I thought he was coming from his apartment, so we would just be a stop on the way. Instead, we were actually an inconveniece to him, because he went out of his way to help us. I hate that. If I had known, we would have just walked.

Do I have a problem? Is it bad that I don’t like to inconvenience people? Do I have trust issues? Do I need to let people help me more? I don’t know. Being in JB, I am 100% relient on other people for transport. I have half a mind to actually bring down a car next year. It’s just a frustrating position to be in, especially when you’re wired the way I am.

Apart from that, today has been pretty uneventful.

HALLELUJAH

September 28, 2014 § Leave a comment

Excuse me while I do a happy dance over how I PASSED MY EXAM WITH FULL MARKS. Sure, my examiner this time was very nice. He asked me a few questions and then, that was it. He called my physical examination ‘sleek’. I am so so so happy. I didn’t expect it. I only thought, maybe, 16/20 but getting FULL MARKS? I am beyond happy. :) That means, I have passed my semester. Sure, I have finals in November, but one of the prerequisites to sit for finals are the 2 assignments I handed in and passing all the MCRs. And I did. SO YAY!

I honestly don’t have much to talk about today. I am just sleepy because I woke up earlier to …well, if I’m honest, watch Doctor Who, so I could have more study time. It worked but I ended up sleeping in another hour because frankly, 4am is early. I have practiced and practiced the renal examination a bunch of times today. I set an alarm for every half hour. That might seem excessive but I was freaking out. I have hurried bowel when I get really nervous. Completely overstepping it here, but I went to the bathroom 5 times today. AFTER lunch. So that’s crazy.

I don’t know if I will ever be comfortable or confident enough to not have these horrible moments of anxiety. I think the confidence will come with time and more practice but I was still freaking out today, even though I practiced it a lot of times. Sometimes I think taking an anti-anxiety pill would help but Beta blockers can also cause hypotension and I’m already mildly anaemic. So.

I really want to be a good doctor. I hope that with time, I can be good enough for my patients, that I can be good enough to do what’s best for them.

 

Borrowing from Paul Angone

September 27, 2014 § 2 Comments

Sometimes I wonder when you consider yourself ‘an adult’. I don’t have much insight into that because frankly, I’m still lost. I think a lot of us are lost most of the time. For today’s post, I thought I’d share something from one of my favourite books, 101 Secrets for Your Twenties by Paul Angone.

2

 

1

I’m not sure if it’s a good thing that I relate to most of the list. Have a great weekend, lovelies. x

P.S. I’m having my last MCR tomorrow, so please pray for me. :)

 

down memory lane

September 26, 2014 § 2 Comments

mistakes

After a few serious posts, I thought this Five Friday should be a fun one, just to lighten to mood. The easiest topic to use: Crushes.

Those butterflies, those terrible moments when you hate yourself because you like someone? Yeah.. let’s all mentally cringe and go through my little list here.

1.  The baby crush: YY

This is the one you get as a kid. You like him (or her) but you don’t get the whole ‘liking’ business. You don’t quite understand it but you think that kid is cool, you wanna hang with this kid, and.. you may or may not have based your crush on the Little Rascals movie.

YY was my first crush, or at least the first ‘real’ boy I liked when I was 7 years old. It’s silly but I did like YY. We used to play our own version of Battleship, we would talk about classes, we used to play games during recess. I don’t really know if it was a crush or just me realising that boys can be friends with girls. I was a kid, come on. Then I moved away and that was that. I have never seen him again.

2. The fleeting crush

This is probably a crush you have one someone you have never spoken to or had minimal conversation with, the superficial one that depends mostly on how physically attracted you are to that person. I can’t even name names here because frankly, these ones are the most pointless ones because they’re over really quickly.
That cute person in the library? This is it. That barista who got your name right? Yup, this one. Maybe they smiled at you, flirted in passing. In a way, it’s a boost to your ego.

3.  The ‘I liked you but then I changed my mind’ crush: DTL

This one is difficult. You like the person at first then you get to know him/her and you change your mind. Something about them just rubs you the wrong way in the end. You thought it was something.. only to find that in reality, he’s not what you thought he was.

I had this crush on DTL for a few years, starting from when I was 13. I liked him, as in, REALLY liked him. And after a while, he liked me back. And then.. I stopped. He wasn’t what I pictured him to be. I regret those months of liking him and conversations spent discussing his every word to me. He wasn’t an awful human being but he wasn’t ‘right’, you know?

4. The ‘I want to be you’ crush: JN

Goodness, this one is not exactly a crush. You like this person because you kinda wanna be them. You think they’re amazing: good personality, great smile, good heart, physically attractive. They’re what YOU want to be. It can be on the same sex, or the opposite sex. Being around this person makes you want to be a better human being. You may not necessarily want to get into a relationship with said person, but you damn well wish you could embody their every virtue.

I willingly admit to liking this guy because he is awesome. Everyone likes him: he’s literally the top of the class, in a stable relationship, is SO FREAKING NICE to everyone, a supportive friend, extremely patient. I want to be him. He’s just the best person I know.

You know, the sort of person who just radiates ‘awesomeness’? He’s it.

5. The inappropriate on every level crush: That one tutor.

This is the crush you mentally kick yourself for having. YOU KNOW, there is no hope. YOU KNOW, you should NEVER go there. But you end up liking the person anyway. It can your best friend’s boyfriend, that friend you know is already taken.. or if you’re me, a teacher. It is THE WORST.

I had a big crush on a teacher once, and I cringe when I think about it now. Heck, I cringed when I thought about it then. It’s always bad, liking a teacher, no matter what Pretty Little Liars tells you. It does not work, it SHOULD NOT work. I bury my head in shame remembering this. It doesn’t matter how much he reminds you of Sherlock from the BBC adaptation, you do not go there. If I could smack my younger self, I completely would.

 

Ever had anything similar to my list? Do share! Don’t leave me alone frowning at the memory of most of these.

Things today

September 25, 2014 § Leave a comment

1. I finally used my Lilly Pulitzer agenda to plan out my next 2 months. It felt good. I used the stickers! I love stickers. Stickers are da bomb.

2. I got called pretty by a patient. That was nice.

3. I lied at bedside teaching that I examined the patient but I didn’t, and I got caught. I had to buy my tutor a drink. Yup. That happened. And goodness, no, it was not one-on-one.

4. I made a terrible joke about poisoning that same tutor. That was awkward. I need to not do that.

5. I slept in because I was exhausted from yesterday, hence the lack of a blog post. I could have actually slept in longer.

6. I managed to finish a whole loaf of bread, BY MYSELF in the past 5 days ending today. yay me.

7. Another pigeon decided to sit in the middle of the road. I don’t think this one was shot. It literally walked over and sat right in the path of my friend’s car. I tried shooing it but it refused to move. Don’t think it injured. We drove over it, but not in the ‘squish the bird’ sort of way. It just kept sitting there. I swear, the pigeons in JB are ballsy.

 

  • Follow on Bloglovin
  • Stuff I’ve written before

  • In 140 characters or less

  • Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

    Join 91 other followers

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 91 other followers

%d bloggers like this: